I remember when I thought you and I were so close.
I thought we were so close that I moved away from my friends and my mom because I thought it would be better down here.
Im going to school, Ive got a job and soon, Ill have an apartment with one of my friends.
But the thing missing in my life, is you.
I still have my friends, I still have my mom, I miss them dearly. But I thought it would be worth it. You convinced me to move because you had the one thing I wanted, you.
All of my effort to be nearer to you was wasted. You choose to be upset with me because of something that is both our faults. Had I known, I never would have done it. I cared about you. I remember when you called, I couldnt stop saying I was sorry, I wasnt worried about myself, I was worried about you. I was crying for you. You kept telling me that we would be okay, that you didnt care about that, that everything was fine, that you werent upset.
This was the first time you had lied to me.
You werent fine, you were upset. You were mad at me. You were angry with me for something you and I could have prevented.
Which, I guess means I should be happy that you arent around anymore. I should be happy that I dont have to deal with you over reacting all the time and blaming me.
But Im not happy, not in the least. I remember when I got you that Captain America jacket, and I got my sonic screwdriver, we were going to fight crime. You named my car Apa. We were going to travel to Canada in your VW Bus, Clark.
I know I should be happy that you arent in my life, but Im not happy about that.
What I am happy about is that fact that I now live in a better place. I still see my friends, I still see my mom. Im learning more about myself than anything else in the world. Im working toward my degree.
And the best part, is that had I not met you. Had you not used yourself as a gambling piece in the game of making me move, had you not left me, I would never have met him.
I never would have met him and I would never have had this much fun.
Him and I, we are what you and I should have been. Him and I, we are what I thought you were going to give me. Him and I, yeah, we’re happy. He, didnt leave me alone. He never will. He will always be there for me when I need him. When Im crying, he doesnt lie to me by telling me that everything will be okay. He tells me the truth when he says that, because he will make everything okay. When Im happy, hes the one that is there making it happen. Him and I, we fight crime together. Him and I, we have sex like I thought you and I could have, but we never did. You never felt connected to me, and it showed in your sex. Him and I, are great together. Him and I, are going to be happy, simply because once youre in that state of happiness, its not easy to move out of it.
Walking to my car was always a huge deal. I knew Id be getting in my car alone, getting out alone, and walking into my house alone, only to lead me to my own bed, alone. Alone, I knew, was a killer. Lonely people died all the time simply by being lonely. Granted, we all die alone, by most people live with people coming and going constantly. I never did, I had one person come into my life while ruining my whole routine of life. I fell in love with her. She was majestically, like most women, but there was a different aura about her. She felt like sadness and fear when you touched her, but when she was with you on a one on one basis, she screamed fire with her words, setting everything ablaze. Everyone had always told me that with death comes life. Every time she spoke she was trying to create something new from the wreckage of her words.
But loneliness, loneliness was a killer. People developed depression, heart disease and multiple other diseases just because they were lonely. This was a terrifying realization for me. It came right about the time I walked into biology and saw her, she turned around and asked to borrow my notes. My first thought was that she would hate me for my chicken scratch handwriting. I handed them over shaking. She took them for a few minutes and handed them back, complimenting the small doodles I had forgotten were in the margins. I loved her. This was the first time I ever talked with her. But, there would be other conversations.
I walked to my car alone all the time, never really thought about how it would end. I would always just get into the car and listen to music while driving home. Once I got home, I would lay in bed and watch some television. I had a daily routine, the only thing that really changed was the meals I ate, and even those didnt differ very much. There would be days where I wouldnt talk at all, my voice would be raspy when I would yelp from pain simply because I hadnt talked.
I had moved clear across the country to get away from my family. They werent exactly happy with how I lived my life, but I was happy with who I was. I never really doubted my personality until I moved. Even when I was living with my family I still didnt speak much, but I always had someone around. Since I moved I knew no one. I spoke to no one. I was too afraid, there was too much for me to say that could fuck everything up. It was a terrifying idea, conversation with someone.No one spoke to me, and I respected that by not speaking to them.
She could never be mine, I was too odd, too overweight, too quiet, too logical, not creative enough and not even pretty enough. I didnt even know if she was made the same way I was. Was she a lesbian? Was she even capable of liking me in the same way? There wasnt a simple tell. She didnt smell of it, she didnt walk like she was, she didnt dress like she was, you could never tell when someone was homosexual, they didnt have a specific quality, homosexual people werent all the same, they were all different. There was no way of just picking them out of the crowd.
It was insane, I was thinking far too much, I was finally feeling some kind of emotion toward someone and finally feeling emotion at all.
I wish I was pretty
I wish I was intelligent
I wish I was funny
I wish I was perfect
I wish I had the right skin tone
I wish I didnt have so many emotional problems
I wish I was understanding
I wish I was kind
I wish someone would love me for all of my flaws.
Im currently writing an essay about how pornography is actually an art form. I later have present this in front of a class. Now, Ive never had a problem with presenting things that could potentially piss people off. But here I am thinking, Im starting over some where new… Lets get some controversial people in my life.
Ive yet to hear back about whether or not Im moving to that store in Vancouver, so Ill be calling other stores Monday. Hopefully moving soon.
Ive been sick for the past week or so and it really does suck.
But what hurt more, was the fact that while I was sick, I couldnt help thinking “I wish I had someone here to cuddle with.” So you know what I did? I went out and tried to find someone to cuddle with. I found someone. I found someone who I thought was fabulous and was going to be there for me and who I thought I could open up to and start to trust. Then, and this is my favorite part of the story, we are supposed to hang out last night. I texted him around 8pm and asked if he still wanted to hang out that night. I got nothing. So I asked again around 9pm. Still nothing. I then decided fuck this, apparently hes found someone better than me. Theres always someone better than me. She just so happen to come along faster than I thought. I was going to enjoy this for awhile, but no. I dont get to do that. I was just starting to move on from Nick.
But whats worse is right as I started crying about being alone. Nick called and asked where I was. I had texted him about being stood up and he thought I might have been in Portland.
I like him. I like him so very much and I cant stop thinking about him and this sucks so very much.
I often get the feeling that he doesnt want anything from me but sex. I hate that this is how I feel.
Something better always comes along… its just a matter of time.
I just really want to sit under the stars and talk with him. To just be able to lay there and chat while holding his hand. It makes me sad to think that maybe one day this would happen.. but probably not. I miss him so very much and its kind of ridiculous. Every so often I get a text from him and it only lasts maybe one or two texts, but still I love it when I get just a smiley face. Ive managed to piss off just about everyone I know somehow and Im really beginning to hate it. At first I really liked the alone time, now I really just want some damn affection and to be able to cry.
I almost called Nick crying last night, but I decided not to simply because Im not ready for him to see the soft side of me.
Daniel, god damn it Daniel. He is the most amazing man I know. Hes creative and funny, caring and intelligent. I absolutely love him, I hold him so dearly in my heart and I havent even met him. How? How can I care so much about someone I havent met? Simply because hes a damn good person. Hes the type of person you can tell really cares because he doesnt rest until you feel better. Hes always been there for me and I absolutely love him. I love his dreams. He talks to me about running away to Japan with me and I love it. Hes the only person who has ever said that to me.
Im so sick of being lonely. Im so sick of being unwanted. Im so sick of being tired, and worst of all Im so sick of everyone being pissed at me.
Here I am, waiting for my dream to come true.
I keep telling myself that I dont want it. But in all honesty, I do.
I want that one person who wants to be with me.
Maybe Im just not meant for that.
Im not meant for it.
The more I drink, the less I can taste the alcohol.
Thank you Burnett’s for being the life of my very small boring life.
You make everything better.
When Im with you, I forget that theres something going on.
The best part is that all I need is you.
Id sing you a love song if it made you happy.
Fuck, Im a lonely little bitch. I just want to be fucking loved.