The Whitest Kid You Know

I just had sex.

And quite frankly, Im a bit afraid of it. This is the first time Ive ever had sex and been afraid.

Mainly because I dont want him forming some sort of attachment. I think it was a pity fuck. Hes never had sex with anyone and him and I have grown quite close so I just kind of let him.

Then, Cameron, who I have been hanging out with for the past few days and spending the night with, asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I want more than anything for this to happen. But the chances are, if I was in a relationship right now, it would fail miserably. I really do like him, I think hes fantastic, hes intelligent and fun to be around. The odd part is that I can be completely comfortable around him too. Like when I slept at his house, I just slept in my panties, which is rare, but I felt comfortable. He accepts the bitchy and snide remarks, hes sarcastic right back and I love it. I seriously could just hang out with him for days on end.

But, Im not ready for a relationship. Im not ready for everything to change this fast. Plus, he isnt going to use me. Which is also a rare thing, probably simply because I let myself get used. He never asks me for naked pictures or anything, he lets me tell him when Im ready and we go from there. He constantly wants to take me out and its nice to have someone think Im special enough to be taken out and such, thats not to say that people havent felt that in the past, Lanie was very good at that. Lanie was very good at showing that he thought I was special.

I know that Cameron wont use me. He hasnt yet at least. I love that he texts me when he wakes up, when he goes to sleep and when he gets off work. He texts me and tells me good night or good morning. He asks when Im free next or if Im hungry and want to go out.

Hes fantastic.

Something better always comes along. Too bad its never me.

Im currently writing an essay about how pornography is actually an art form. I later have present this in front of a class. Now, Ive never had a problem with presenting things that could potentially piss people off. But here I am thinking, Im starting over some where new… Lets get some controversial people in my life.

Ive yet to hear back about whether or not Im moving to that store in Vancouver, so Ill be calling other stores Monday. Hopefully moving soon.

Ive been sick for the past week or so and it really does suck.

But what hurt more, was the fact that while I was sick, I couldnt help thinking “I wish I had someone here to cuddle with.” So you know what I did? I went out and tried to find someone to cuddle with. I found someone. I found someone who I thought was fabulous and was going to be there for me and who I thought I could open up to and start to trust. Then, and this is my favorite part of the story, we are supposed to hang out last night. I texted him around 8pm and asked if he still wanted to hang out that night. I got nothing. So I asked again around 9pm. Still nothing. I then decided fuck this, apparently hes found someone better than me. Theres always someone better than me. She just so happen to come along faster than I thought. I was going to enjoy this for awhile, but no. I dont get to do that. I was just starting to move on from Nick.

But whats worse is right as I started crying about being alone. Nick called and asked where I was. I had texted him about being stood up and he thought I might have been in Portland.

I like him. I like him so very much and I cant stop thinking about him and this sucks so very much.

I often get the feeling that he doesnt want anything from me but sex. I hate that this is how I feel.

Something better always comes along… its just a matter of time.

There you go again, chasing other girls around. When will you understand that Ive actually stuck around and that Im actually something worth your time.

I guess its really your loss, simply because I am probably the best thing that could ever happen to you.

You’ll never see that.

Or is it simply that I believe that you are chasing other girls because I dont think that Im worth your time. Sure, Ive stuck around, but for how much longer and are you actually getting anything out of this? Is it my loss and are you the best thing that could have ever happen to me? Is it my issue or yours?

Will I never see it?

I got bored so I wrote on my coffee cup.

 ”Why cant we just lay in bed and drink coffee, listen to Scissor Sisters, kiss, hug, laugh and fuck? It just doesnt seem fair that everyone else gets someone to love  and cuddle while you and I are left alone. We’re both so special, how am I the only person who sees how great you are? Oh, and we would have beautiful adopted kids”

So yeah, thats my feelings…

I just really want to sit under the stars and talk with him. To just be able to lay there and chat while holding his hand. It makes me sad to think that maybe one day this would happen.. but probably not. I miss him so very much and its kind of ridiculous. Every so often I get a text from him and it only lasts maybe one or two texts, but still I love it when I get just a smiley face. Ive managed to piss off just about everyone I know somehow and Im really beginning to hate it. At first I really liked the alone time, now I really just want some damn affection and to be able to cry.

I almost called Nick crying last night, but I decided not to simply because Im not ready for him to see the soft side of me.

Daniel, god damn it Daniel. He is the most amazing man I know. Hes creative and funny, caring and intelligent. I absolutely love him, I hold him so dearly in my heart and I havent even met him. How? How can I care so much about someone I havent met? Simply because hes a damn good person. Hes the type of person you can tell really cares because he doesnt rest until you feel better. Hes always been there for me and I absolutely love him. I love his dreams. He talks to me about running away to Japan with me and I love it. Hes the only person who has ever said that to me.

Im so sick of being lonely. Im so sick of being unwanted. Im so sick of being tired, and worst of all Im so sick of everyone being pissed at me.

There are no words.  Only coffee and oatmeal.

Oh and the feeling of throwing up. My parents are cleaning out the garage and theyre finding some pretty cool stuff. I choose not to participate because Im a lazy little fuck and I have to work at 2:30.

I was making my oatmeal this morning and thinking to myself. This happens often and I usually just kind of blow it off. But to be honest, this time it was like “hang on a second….this is an actual feeling of guilt…. what the eff?”

So another story from last night and this time Im changing names because I feel that some people like not having others be like “Oh hey, heard you got fucked.” just on the off chance that some people know some of the other people that Im sleeping with and whatnot.

So I went to work yesterday after taking my mom to her appointment and everything was fine and dandy. I decided I really didnt want to go home so I texted a friend of mine and asked what he was doing and he said that he wasnt doing much. I promptly invited myself over.

After work, I log his address into my phones GPS and head out. This is the most terrifying drive I have ever done. It was raining and it sucked.

So I finally get there and I get inside his apartment, which by the way, is decorated in the coolest fucking way possible. Its just like this little collection of random things just kind of put together in a room and it fucking works. I love this apartment. It has hard wood floors and everything is my height.

So after awhile we are sitting on the couch and Im running my fingers through his hair while he downs his second not-full glass of scotch. I stretch a little bit and he sits up. He moves his fingers over my kneecap and it kind of tickles, but I dont have enough time to think about how much it tickles because the next thing I know, his soft pink lips are touching mine. I just forget how to breath. I eventually push myself on top of him and things start to get a little bit more heavy.

Im just going to skip to the part that I currently remember the most because I seem to have forgot a few things in between.

So, were in his bed (which is comfortable as fuck!) and hes on top of me. He starts to undress me…..

something happen….

my mind went blank…

Fuck.

There was a point to this story and it was that I was thinking to myself while making my oatmeal.

I feel as though I kinda fucked shit up. I actually really do like this guy, hes fantastic and hes funny and intelligent and just all of these things that actually matter to me.

Plus, hes not taller than me and Im pretty sure that if I had enough adrenaline, I could kick his ass. Which isnt a bad thing because I absolutely love it. But long story shit, I actually like him and I feel that simply because biological responses over ruled my morals (the few ones I have) that I may have fucked this up. Im not sure but all I know is that I actually like him…What the fuck.