Im currently writing an essay about how pornography is actually an art form. I later have present this in front of a class. Now, Ive never had a problem with presenting things that could potentially piss people off. But here I am thinking, Im starting over some where new… Lets get some controversial people in my life.
Ive yet to hear back about whether or not Im moving to that store in Vancouver, so Ill be calling other stores Monday. Hopefully moving soon.
Ive been sick for the past week or so and it really does suck.
But what hurt more, was the fact that while I was sick, I couldnt help thinking “I wish I had someone here to cuddle with.” So you know what I did? I went out and tried to find someone to cuddle with. I found someone. I found someone who I thought was fabulous and was going to be there for me and who I thought I could open up to and start to trust. Then, and this is my favorite part of the story, we are supposed to hang out last night. I texted him around 8pm and asked if he still wanted to hang out that night. I got nothing. So I asked again around 9pm. Still nothing. I then decided fuck this, apparently hes found someone better than me. Theres always someone better than me. She just so happen to come along faster than I thought. I was going to enjoy this for awhile, but no. I dont get to do that. I was just starting to move on from Nick.
But whats worse is right as I started crying about being alone. Nick called and asked where I was. I had texted him about being stood up and he thought I might have been in Portland.
I like him. I like him so very much and I cant stop thinking about him and this sucks so very much.
I often get the feeling that he doesnt want anything from me but sex. I hate that this is how I feel.
Something better always comes along… its just a matter of time.
I just really want to sit under the stars and talk with him. To just be able to lay there and chat while holding his hand. It makes me sad to think that maybe one day this would happen.. but probably not. I miss him so very much and its kind of ridiculous. Every so often I get a text from him and it only lasts maybe one or two texts, but still I love it when I get just a smiley face. Ive managed to piss off just about everyone I know somehow and Im really beginning to hate it. At first I really liked the alone time, now I really just want some damn affection and to be able to cry.
I almost called Nick crying last night, but I decided not to simply because Im not ready for him to see the soft side of me.
Daniel, god damn it Daniel. He is the most amazing man I know. Hes creative and funny, caring and intelligent. I absolutely love him, I hold him so dearly in my heart and I havent even met him. How? How can I care so much about someone I havent met? Simply because hes a damn good person. Hes the type of person you can tell really cares because he doesnt rest until you feel better. Hes always been there for me and I absolutely love him. I love his dreams. He talks to me about running away to Japan with me and I love it. Hes the only person who has ever said that to me.
Im so sick of being lonely. Im so sick of being unwanted. Im so sick of being tired, and worst of all Im so sick of everyone being pissed at me.
I hate this feeling.
Lets be honest here. Yes, I met a guy this week. Hes fantastic, hes funny and hes beautiful. He is absolutely fabulous.
And the best part is, he likes me too. This amazing guy that I like likes me back.
AND GOD DAMN IT IM LONELY!
Im so fucking lonely in my life and he makes it better.
I keep telling myself that I need to be single for awhile. That thats what I really need. But I dont want to miss out on this chance. This chance to be with someone who I think honestly cares.
But everyone has to get all fucking butt hurt about the fact that I didnt choose them. All I want is to not be lonely any more.
I want someone to care, I want someone to hug me and I want to show this guy everything that I am. I want him to know everything about me. But I feel guilty about it. He likes that I eat oatmeal for lunch. He likes that I get really excited about things and he likes that Im weird.
He tells me how special I am and how he cant wait for me to be ready to be in a relationship because he wants to be the guy Im in it with.
The thing is, I could see it. I could see us having a good relationship.
Im going to throw up.
I cant stop crying.