Blub Blub, Im drowning is a small sea of self pity, regret, and self loathing.
Thats right people, its that time of year again where I get super depressed and hateful! But this time it comes with a special side of pity and regret!
So basically, hours at work got cut, which means that I am getting minimal hours. I am in need of more cash. But, I cant sell blood or plasma because Ive gotten a tattoo in the past year, plus I just cant deal with donating blood.
Now, I have enough money for my portion of rent and all of my expenses. But seeing as how my room mate lost his job and now has no income, things have gotten a tad bit expensive. Not too much, but just enough for me to end up driving my car very close to the empty part of my gas tank.
This, makes me incredibly nervous. I can not do this. I can not not know how we are going to pay for rent for January. Our lease is up in February. So as of right now, Ive got another friend of mine living with us. His only request was that there be an internet connection. Which until tomorrow, I can provide.
Ive also noticed that I havent been leaving the house very often anymore. I dont really go anywhere, hang out with anyone or really do anything other than go to work, school, or lay in bed. Which cant be healthy. Ive also come to notice that there really isnt anything special to who I am. I mean, yes, I have interests that not a lot of other women have, but Im not really creative or active. I guess its easier to say Im just very ordinary, its not fun to admit but it will have to do for now.
I no longer really have any friends other than Alex, Lanie, Nichole, and Chris. Chris doesnt even live on the same coast as me so seeing him would cost quite a bit. Yeah, I have friends up in Longview/ Kelso area, but I dont see them very often. Deni should be coming down soon, but still. I need to find another job..
Lastly, I really typically dont regret much. Not much at all ever really. But as of right now Im regretting a few mistakes that I have made. I wish that I had just stayed at my dads house, that I hadnt moved out. I know it would be a lot cheaper for me to be there than it would be for me to be here. I also know that I wouldnt be so damn stressed out constantly. Plus, when I got lonely I would always have my dad or step mom to talk with. Im also beginning to regret not saving up for college more. Chances of me being able to go to college were already really slim, but now, its just upsettingly thin. I need some way of paying for books.
But alas, I have come to a part in my life where I need to figure some shit out. We’ll see how this goes and how I handle it. If I had to pick one thing that I love about my life, it would be that I have been given tons of situations in which I got to learn how I react.
Now, thats not to say that my whole life is terrible, its not. I have some great things going on in my life. I have a few close friends and the ones I have are absolutely perfect. I finally got rid of Jacob so I can now move on to a saner much more healthy relationship, Im learning more about who I am as a person, and Im also learning about what is important to me. All of these things are great.
